Monday, November 24, 2008

MUST BE SOUTH AFRICAN MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT!

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.

Vote carefully…

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

JUST A FRIENDLY GESTURE!

At the crowded Sandton bus stop a beautiful young blonde woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, Hennie, a fris boerseun (a strong young man) from Kakamas, who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

Hennie smiled and in his best English answered her : 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree wiff you, but after you unzipped my fly free times, I kinda figured we was friends.'

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A QUICK CHUCKLE!

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

***

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

***

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'


***

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up

IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!

Son asked his mother the following question:
Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies, 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout, he shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the son replies : ' WHITE '.
he does the same for the dishwasher,
the washing machine,
the stove, etc etc.
Then he tells the son:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

HOW TO MASSAGE YOUR WIFE TO MAKE HER SCREAM!

The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream non stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Indian says: That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."


The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours, phenomenal!
How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" ...

:


:


:


:


:

The Indian: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

F**KIN CUCKOO!!

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards

the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a

friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does NOT

build its own nest?'

A: Sparrow

B: Thrush

C: Magpie

D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone

me friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him

the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit

Cuckoo as me answer.' 'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris 'Dat it is,

Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the

correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that

doesn't build it's own nest?

'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'

BODY STATISTICS.

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's peni$ is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.


Monday, October 6, 2008

WOMAN'S LOVE POEM.

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I long for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I hope he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to
'how big is my behind?'
I trust that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best
friend.

MEN'S LOVE POEM.

I crave for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a
golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This doesn't
rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.

Author: No idea, wasn't me!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Another Sexual Techniques to Make Her Wild with Desire

What Goes Up Must Come Down

This is best used as a quickie, whether in the middle of the night or during a chaotic afternoon. She can't say no to this.

• When you put the toilet seat up….put it back down.
• Every time.
I know…I know.. maybe no more techniques...

Friday, October 3, 2008

Sexual Technique to Make Your Wife Wild with Desire!!

Between being married a long time, and also being a man, I can tell you guys that there are certain things you can do to make your wife swoon. They aren't difficult, anyone can do them and they are some of the sexiest things I can think of…and I have quite the imagination… Here follows one of them:

Wet Hands
Yep, it is the wet hands technique. Certainly one of the most popular among most women polled for this article. So simple. So exciting. You will leave her breathless.
• Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid. Not too many, you don't want it to be harsh. There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you.
• With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.
• Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth across the surface of it..over and over again.
• Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.
.Now you repeat the process until all the dirty dishes are clean, works like a bom....

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

FEW GOOD JOKES.

How do you know your country’s currency really sucks??
Prostitutes would prefer going steady….

Doctor after examining Bruce’s wife: Bruce, a really ugly thing we have here!
Bruce: Yes Doctor, I know, but she is really stinking rich!

Why don’t Cuban rowers ever compete in the Olympics ?
Coz those who can row are in America already.

What do you call a woman who 24/7 knows where her husband is??
A widow.

FLYING DUTCHMAN!!

video

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

JUK!! GUESS WHO THE JOKE IS ON....

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on

a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived

at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near

spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying

to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage

tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying

that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

GOOD ONE!

Dad: Son what are doing?
Son: Nothing Dad.
Dad: But you did that yesterday too!
Son: Yes Dad, but I never finished.

Monday, September 29, 2008

NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL AN OPEN AND SHUT CASE!!

Your wife decides to go out with her friends on a girls night out ...

You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night!!!

You hear her stumble into bed around 4am and laugh to yourself, knowing she's going to have a monster hangover....

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night. You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece.

You circle the car looking for dents and find none! Yay!

But then .... wait a minute....

A picture is worth a thousand words....


SCROLL DOWN!!!



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:


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Thursday, September 25, 2008

Rugby jokes.

Worst case of child molesting in South Africa: No, nooo, please daddy, please dont make me.....don’t make me wear the SPRINGBOK jersey!!

South African Springbok Rugby:
During yesterdays practice, the scrum machine broke through twice to score a try!!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

heee yaaah!!

video

One specially for the ladies.

Woman's Poem


He didn't like the casserole,

And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right,

He didn't like the stew.

I didn't mend his socks,

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer,

looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and *snotklapped him...

Like his mother used to do.


*snotklapped = smacked him so hard, whatever was in his nose, sat on his cheek.

Nasty one.

> I went to the mall on Saturday, and I was in there for only
> about 5
> Minutes. When I came out there was a damn Metro cop
> writing a parking
> ticket.
>
> So I went up to him and said, "Come on, sugar..., how
> about giving a
> Girl a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the
> ticket. So I
> Called him a pencil-necked member of the Boerebond. He
> glared at me and
> Started writing another ticket for having worn tyres! So I
> called him a
> Verkrampte piece of horse-sh*t. He finished the second
> ticket and put it
> On the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a
> third
> Ticket, for the cracked windscreen! This went on for about
> 20 minutes.
>
> The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
> "Vetgat" I screamed At
> him. Yet another ticket. "Vetgat with a
> boep-pens!" I shouted again.
> His hand wrote furiously as his neck went a deeper shade of
> purple and
> His blood pressure mounted and his breathing got heavier.
>
> I then walked off as my bus arrived....
>
> I try to have a little fun each day. It's very
> important.
>
>
>
>
>
>

Monday, September 22, 2008

Good ones!

Feeling useless, offended, depressed or just down, remember that you were once the fastest and most victorious little sperm out of millions!!


In the U S A they invented a new machine to catch criminals: they tested it in New York and in 5 minutes caught 500 criminals. In China in 3 minutes they caught 3500 criminals, in Mozambique in 2 minutes caught 600 criminals. They brought it to South Africa and in ONE minute the machine got stolen!!

Mind the Head!!

Auch!

video

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Guts or Balls?

Guts or Balls...

There is a distinction.

We've all heard about people having guts and/or balls,

but do you really know the difference between them ?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being

met by your wife with a broom in her hands, and having the guts

to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere ?''


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling

of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on

the butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome,

since both ultimately result in death.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

That will teach her!!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Crocs and dollars!

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and
Invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Geoffrey, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating
Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has
The balls to jump in.
'The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
Everyone turned around and saw Geoffrey in the pool! Geoffrey was
Fighting the croc and kicking its ass!
Geoffrey was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing
Punches, doing all kinds of shit, like head butts and chokeholds, biting
The croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some
Kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Geoffrey and the
Croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
K-mart goldfish.
Geoffrey then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring
At him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Geoffrey, I reckon I owe you a million
Dollars.'
Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Geoffrey.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.'
'How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Geoffrey.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
Amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
'Again, Geoffrey said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Geoffrey, then what do you want?'
Geoffrey said, 'I want the name of the bustard who pushed me in the
Pool.

Put your foot in it mate!

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place
where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the
father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that
I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Sunday, September 14, 2008

The new South Africa!!

Three contractors - one from Soweto, another from Pretoria,
and the third from Benoni - are bidding to fix a broken fence at
the Union Buildings in Pretoria.

They go with a Union Buildings official to examine the fence.

The Pretoria contractor takes out a tape measure, does some
measuring, and then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about R900: R400
for materials, R400 for my crew, and R100 profit for me."

The Benoni contractor also does some measuring and figuring,
then says, "I can do this job for R700: R300 for materials,
R300 for my crew, and R100 profit for me."

The Soweto contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans
over to the Union Buildings brother and whispers, "R2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like
the other guys! How did y! ou come up with such a high figure?"

The Soweto contractor whispers back, "R1000 for me, R1000 for
you, and we hire the guy from Benoni to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.


And that, folks, is how it all works in S.A. these days!

Cute.....but not true!

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart." I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Crabby Old Woman.

Nothing funny about this one, but it is rather touching and I thought it wise to share with you!
If it doesn't bring a lump in your throat, then you cannot be human....

Crabby Old Woman - one to think about!

When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee, Scotland, it was believed that she had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
One nurse took her copy to Ireland. The old lady's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North Ireland Assn. for Mental Health.
A slide presentation has also been made based on her simple, but eloquent poem.
And this little old Scottish lady, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet:



Crabby Old Woman

What do you see, nurses?
What do you see?
What are you thinking,
When you're looking at me?

A crabby old woman,
Not very wise,
Uncertain of habit,
With faraway eyes.

Who dribbles her food,
And makes no reply,
When you say in a loud voice,
'I do wish you'd try!'

Who seems not to notice,
The things that you do,
And forever is losing,
A stocking or shoe

Who, resisting or not
Lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding,
The long day to fill?

Is that what you're thinking?
Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse,
You're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am,
As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding,
As I eat at your will.

I'm a small child of ten,
With a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters,
Who love one another.

A young girl of sixteen,
With wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now,
A lover she'll meet.

A bride soon at twenty,
My heart gives a leap,
As I make the vows
That I promised to keep.

At twenty-five now,
I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide,
And a secure happy home.

A woman of thirty,
My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other,
With ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons,
Have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me,
To see I don't mourn.

At fifty once more,
Babies play round my knee,
Again we know children,
My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me,
My husband is dead,
I look at the future,
I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing
Young of their own,
And I think of the years,
And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old woman,
And nature is cruel,
'Tis jest to make old age,
Look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles,
Grace and vigour depart,
There is now a stone
Where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass,
A young girl still dwells,
And now and again,
My battered heart swells.

I remember the joys,
I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living
Life over again.

I think of the years,
All too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact
That nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people,
Open and see,
Not a crabby old woman;
Look closer - see ME!!
Remember this poem when you next meet an old person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.
We will all, one day, be there, too!


I love to share this poem.
IT'S SOMETHING WE ALL NEED TO READ.
And don't forget the crabby old men either!**********************************************************************
**********************************************************************

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Shortes fairy tale in the world!

Once upon a time, a man asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "No". And, the man lived happily ever after.


The End

Hey Peacock!

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court in Sandton. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

One year guarantee!

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid

So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year, namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! "Helllooooo!!" (I told him). "It's been a year!"

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung
up...he hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the
guarantee they made me.

Never say never!

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room,
talking about life... In-between, we talked about the
idea of living or dying.

I said to her:

'Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally
dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle.
If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect
all the contraptions that are keeping me alive,
I'd much rather die'.

Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of
admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect
the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer,
the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went
to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!

....I ALMOST DIED!!!

Magic!

A Boer seun and his Pa were in a mall. As they were from out of town
they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Pa?' The father (never having seen an elevator/lift) responded,
'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his Pa were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair
moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his Pa watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son.

'Go fetch your mother!”

Monday, September 8, 2008

When the wife doesn't listen!!

video

Can you trust your wife??

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Saturday, September 6, 2008

A few good ones.....

Man to his wife: From today onwards I am the boss in this house, I demand three course meals, desert with every meal, snacks in between, you will run me a hot bath every morning and see to it that my outfit for the day is neatly laid out on my bed. Oh, and guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?
Wife nonchalantly: More than likely the funeral parlor.

A black Zimbabwe couple are sitting in their house, ready to die. No food, no water, no electricity, inflation 150 000 %. Suddenly the pipes rumble with water, the lights go on and there is a truck in the street handing out food. The husband shouts to his wife, “bring my panga, the whites are back!”

Blond takes car for repairs and asks the mechanic what the problem is.
“Crap in the carburetor.” He replies.
Blond: “Oh, how often should I do that?

USS Hampshire: “Can someone help us! We are sinking, we are sinking!”
German Coast Guard: “Zis iz ze German Coast Guard, What are you sinking about?”

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Yeah, sure!

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES


1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - Q20 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE Q20. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

8. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

Those blonde jokes.

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE - my personal favourite!
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So wh at? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Auch!!

video

Careful now!

video

Ah haa!

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived the bitches.'

Monday, September 1, 2008

Don't mess with this chick.

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long

flight.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely

declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a

question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5 You ask me

one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention, so to keep him quiet, she agrees to

play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to

the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a

five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes

down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the
airphone, he searches the Net and even the library of Congress. He
sends e-mails to
all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of
searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500
and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and
asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.

Hehehehe

Koos, Mike en Kallie word deur spietkops by 'n groot winkelsentrum in Benoni afgetrek.

Spietkop: OK, guys, het julle 'n idéé hoe vinnig julle gery het?

Hulle: G'n idee nie - maar jy gaan ons sê!

Spietkop: So vinnig dat julle elkeen 'n spoedkaartjie gaan kry! (Hy haal sy boekie uit.) Wat is jou naam?

Koos kyk rond en sien 'n Woolworths-reklamebord daar naby: "My naam is William Woolworth," sê Koos.

Kallie snap dit dadelik, kyk rond en sien Edgars. "My naam is Eddie Edgars!"

Kallie en Koos kyk benoud na Mike en hoop dat hy verstaan wat hulle gedoen het.

"En jy?" vra die spietkop kwaai.

"My naam is Ken!"

"Ja, maar wat is jou volle name?"

Mike sê selfversekerd: "My naam is Ken, en my van is Takkie Fraaid Tjieken!"

Friday, August 29, 2008

With friends like these......

video

You can say that again....

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People--
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress R5000. Tux rental-R100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister,
or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks..
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is R15.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years,
maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes --
one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Shooo!!

video

Shame!!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

Economic Models explained with Cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows

You give one to your neighbour



COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows

The State takes both and gives you some milk



FASCISM

You have 2 cows

The State takes both and sells you some milk



NAZISM

You have 2 cows

The State takes both and shoots you



BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.


AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows

Business seems pretty good

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate



A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows

The one on the left looks very attractive



A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows

One is a black cow and one is a white cow. The white cow produces more milk but the black cow is previously disadvantaged so you obtain a contract to supply milk to the state at inflated prices. The black cow joins a Cosatu strike against high food prices while the white cow continues to produce milk. The state discovers that you are selling only milk from the white cow, accuses you of fronting, revokes your BEE status and re-possesses both cows.
Both cows are slaughtered to celebrate Zuma's inauguration. Cosatu commence on a second strike because now there is no milk.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Aaauch!

A South African Boertjie is drinking in a London bar when his
cellphone rings.
He hangs up grinning from ear to ear and orders a round for the whole
bar announcing that his wife just gave birth to a 12kg baby boy.

Nobody can believe the weight but the South African just shrugs and
says, "We make 'em big back home folks. My boy's typically South African".

Congrats are showered on him and many exclamations of "WOW" are heard.
One woman even faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the South African Boertjie returns to the same bar.
Barman says "We were going to call you, everyone's been making bets as
to how much your 12kg son weighs now, so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers that he now weighs 9kg's. The barman is puzzled
and concerned and asks "What happened, he already weighed 12kg on the day he was born".

The South African father takes a slow swig from his long neck Castle
beer, wipes his lips on his khaki shirt, leans proudly over to the bartender and says: "Had him
circumcised boet"

Double ooooops!

To me flying is a nerve wrecking experience, if I had to witness this before flying somewhere, I would have been off my rocker for sure. Damn, I hate flying!!

Oooops!

Never trust your wife to take an important picture.....!!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Friday, August 22, 2008

How much do you drink??

The Average South African

A recent study conducted by Wits University found that the average South African walks about 1200 kms a year. Another study by the South African Medical Association found that South Africans drink, on average, 100 litres of alcohol a year. This means, on average, South Africans get about 12 kms to the litre.

Kind of makes you proud to be South African.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Women are evil by nature

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured
alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer,
"Are you the manager?"

She asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied"

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,
" running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't", breathed the bartender...
Is there anything I can do?

"Yes, I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefingers across the bartenders lips and slyly popping a couple of
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What
Should I tell him" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him" she whispered "There is no toilet paper, hand soap, or
paper towels in the ladies room".

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Jiggg!

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,
'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,
'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied,
'We just love the chocolate around them.'

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

To be or not to be..... married....

WHY AM I MARRIED?


At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the
wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
__________


A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
__________

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________


A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished .
__________

A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
__________


Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
__________


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say...
talk in your sleep.
__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
__________


"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man ,
to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"
__________

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!


Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their
nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the
wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a
while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick
of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the
end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

Damn!!

Definition of frustration!?

Kidzzz!!

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS
This one is for everyone who...

a) Had kids
b) Has kids
c) Is going to have kids
d) Knows a kid
e) Was a kid
d) IS PLANNING TO HAVE KIDS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,
"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers
in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing
on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my snot???"
________________________________________

Cowboy or lesbian??

A weather beaten old cowboy sits down at the corner Starbucks and orders
a black coffee. As he sits quietly sipping the brew, an attractive young
woman sits down next to him and asks: "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I guess so", he replies. "I've spent sixty years breaking in
colts, working cows, roping steers, riding rodeo, pulling calves,
bailing hay, driving herds, cleaning out barns and feeding my range
dogs, so yes, I reckon I'm a cowboy."

"I am a lesbian," she says. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think
about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about
women when I eat. Seems everything I do makes me think about women." The
two sit sipping in silence until the young woman leaves.

A little while later, a man sits down on the other side of the old
cowboy and asks: "Are you a real cowboy?" Shaking his head he replies,
"Always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian

Vrouens en jag!

Subject: Fw: DIS HOEKOM VROUENS NIE GAAN JAG NIE...

Die ou gaan gereeld jag en sy vrou moet altyd by die huis bly.

Sy besluit toe om vir haar `n geweer te koop en saam te gaan jag.

Op die plaas aangekom sê hy vir haar om links teen die rivier af te
loop dan loop hy regs teen die rivier af.

Hulle sal dan weer mekaar, onder, by die hoof hek ontmoet.

So gesê, so gedaan. Hy het skaars 200 meter geloop toe hy drie skote
hoor klap.

Hy hardloop terug in haar rigting en by die rivier kry hy haar.

Sy stry kliphard en aanhoudend met `n wild vreemde man...

"Meneer, dit is my Kudu die, ek het hom eerste gesien, en drie
kopskote gegee!"


"Goed mevrou, ek gaan nie verder met jou stry nie, vat dan die kudu
vir jou, maar gee jy om as eknet gou my saal en toom van jou f*#&en kudu afhaal!?"

Monday, August 18, 2008

Answer these questions....

Questions you just can't answer


Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undre ssed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on.......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?


Bored husband-

Some ideas for those of you whose wives/ girlfriends insist on dragging us to go shopping.

Bored husband-
>>
>> Proof of what can happen if a wife drags her husband along to go
>> shopping.
>>
>> Dear Mrs. Murray,
>>>> Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with
>> us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences
>> over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.
>>
>> MEMO
>>
>> Re: Complaints
>>
>> 15 Things Mr. Wayne Murry has done while his spouse is
>> shopping:
>>
>> 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
>> people's carts when they weren't looking.
>>
>> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
>> 5-minute intervals.
>>
>> 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
>> tampons section.
>>
>> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
>> tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
>>
>> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's
>> on lay-by.
>>
>> 6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
>> area.
>>
>> 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
>> shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the
>> bedding department.
>>
>> 8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to
>> cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
>>
>> 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
>> mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
>>
>> 10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department asked
>> theclerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
>>
>> 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
>> the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
>>
>> 12. December 6: In the auto department, practised his 'Madonna look'
>> using different size funnels.
>>
>> 13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
>> through, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
>>
>> 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker he
>> assumes the foetal position and screams 'NO!
>> NO! It's those voices again!!!
>>
>> And; last, but not least!
>>
>> 15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
>> while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here!'

where's friday?

How to drop a car's suspension

Check this out!





ACTUAL WRITINGS ON MPUMALANGA HOSPITAL CHARTS:


1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

skrik jou gat af!!

Skrik jou gat af!!

To flirt or not to flirt.....

BRILLIANT!!

ONE GOOD REASON WHY NOT TO FLIRT!!!!!

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween
party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and
said
she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need
for
his good time to be spoiled by not going.


So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke Without pain
and as it was still early, decided go to the party.
As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see
how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his
costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
"chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss
there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her
husband.

After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her
ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had
passionate
intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she
slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous
behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of
time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when
you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied,
"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met
Pete,
Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and
played
poker all evening"
You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker
all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your
Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

Popeye's mom

They found Popeye's Mom!!








Indian Chief,'Two Eagles'

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?



Indian Chief,'Two Eagles,' was asked by a white government official,
'You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued,
'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.
'When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Clean Water;
Women did all the work, Medicine Man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; All night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled.
'Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that.

Joys of having kids

: Cup of Tea - the joys of having children

> One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
>
> I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
>
> Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was
> one of my favorite toys.
>
> Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
> brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several
> cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
>
> My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
> tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
> enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
> watches him drink it up.
>
> Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)
>
> 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get
> water is the toilet?'



>
>
>

Absentee notes

These are absentee notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools all over South Africa.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School : Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the sh its. [Words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20.Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Burma , she has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Classic - my son is gay

THIS IS CLASSIC!!!!

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company.
He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets.
He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.
He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
"What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

agricultural rep

A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old Afrikaans farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm.' The old Afrikaner said, 'OK Boet, but doesn't goes in that field over there.'

The Agriculture representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....

'Your card! Your card, Boet! Shows him your card!'









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