Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Sunday, July 18, 2010

ON A LIGHTER NOTE

I hope you enjoy this one, I did!

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this story?

"Don't $##$% with Mommy when she's been drinking."


Thursday, November 5, 2009

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

TOPLESS BAR!

This is specially for the guys who love boobs!



So what were you thinking??

Sunday, October 4, 2009

SOOOO CUTE!!

Cute! One of the best!I thought this was so sweet, and so innocent, I just had to share it with you all. Enjoy!
>
> The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher:-
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in
> my own second grade classroom a few years back.

> When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a
> few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and
> usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles,
> model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.
> And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they
> want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
>
> Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very
> outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class
> with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my
> baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
>
> 'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their
love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in
> there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
>
> She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and
> I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are
> watching her in amazement.
>
> Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts
> saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and
> groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'
> (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
> My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies,
> but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got
> my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her
> back against the wall.)
>
> 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in
> there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all
> over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her
> little hands mimicking water flowing away. It was too much!)
>
> 'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
>
> They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then,
> all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff
> that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a
> lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife
> spanked him for crawling up in there.'
>
> Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned
> to her seat.
>
> I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when
> it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case
> another ' Middle wife' comes along.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

JUNGLE JUICE!

Now this is sooo cute! This was filmed in South Africa some time ago, to be honest when I was still a little boy, (and that is long before lots of you were born) by a man with the name of Jamie Uys. I hope you have never seen it before, but if you have, please watch it again. Enjoy!

Friday, September 4, 2009

HEY JOE!!

I thought this was quite funny....

Don't laugh, sooner or later it happens to most....

Monday, July 6, 2009

ONE FOR THE GIRLS!

I am sure all the ladies will enjoy this one, excellent!
Lesson? Never trust a woman, or should I say a cop?

Friday, June 19, 2009

PRESCRIPTION NEEDED.

Poison the huband

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy!

I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law!

I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription .

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

SOUTH AFRICAN TOURISM WEBSITE.

Don't know if I should post this, but here goes... no hard feelings... I hope. I got it as an e mail and thought it was quite funny. Enjoy, from a dark, primitive Africa.

Subject: Fun Replies to Questions on SA: Be Nice to 2010 Tourists


These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African
tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain
on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad
tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send
me
a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in
South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific.
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which
does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday
night in Hillbrow.

Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night
in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female
population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all
year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from.
All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely
handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Friday, March 27, 2009

BEWARE OF WOMAN DRIVERS!



Yes, it is a female driving this car, and there is no camera trick involved, she drove the car out of the show room about a week after she got her driver's licence. Be afraid, be very afraid!
I sure feel sorry for the car....