Some are clever, some are wise.
These guys are all clever...
Monday, December 7, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
SOOOO CUTE!!
Cute! One of the best!I thought this was so sweet, and so innocent, I just had to share it with you all. Enjoy!
>
> The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher:-
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in
> my own second grade classroom a few years back.
> When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a
> few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and
> usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles,
> model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.
> And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they
> want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
>
> Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very
> outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class
> with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my
> baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
>
> 'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their
love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in
> there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
>
> She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and
> I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are
> watching her in amazement.
>
> Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts
> saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and
> groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'
> (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
> My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies,
> but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got
> my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her
> back against the wall.)
>
> 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in
> there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all
> over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her
> little hands mimicking water flowing away. It was too much!)
>
> 'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
>
> They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then,
> all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff
> that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a
> lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife
> spanked him for crawling up in there.'
>
> Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned
> to her seat.
>
> I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when
> it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case
> another ' Middle wife' comes along.
>
> The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher:-
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in
> my own second grade classroom a few years back.
> When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a
> few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and
> usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles,
> model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.
> And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they
> want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
>
> Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very
> outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class
> with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my
> baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
>
> 'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their
love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in
> there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
>
> She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and
> I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are
> watching her in amazement.
>
> Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts
> saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and
> groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'
> (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
> My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies,
> but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got
> my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her
> back against the wall.)
>
> 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in
> there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all
> over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her
> little hands mimicking water flowing away. It was too much!)
>
> 'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
>
> They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then,
> all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff
> that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a
> lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife
> spanked him for crawling up in there.'
>
> Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned
> to her seat.
>
> I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when
> it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case
> another ' Middle wife' comes along.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
JUNGLE JUICE!
Now this is sooo cute! This was filmed in South Africa some time ago, to be honest when I was still a little boy, (and that is long before lots of you were born) by a man with the name of Jamie Uys. I hope you have never seen it before, but if you have, please watch it again. Enjoy!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
ONE FOR THE GIRLS!
I am sure all the ladies will enjoy this one, excellent!
Lesson? Never trust a woman, or should I say a cop?
Lesson? Never trust a woman, or should I say a cop?
Friday, June 19, 2009
PRESCRIPTION NEEDED.
Poison the huband
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy!
I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law!
I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription .
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy!
I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law!
I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription .
Friday, June 12, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
KIDS ARE THE BEST!
Kids Are Quick ____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
SOUTH AFRICAN TOURISM WEBSITE.
Don't know if I should post this, but here goes... no hard feelings... I hope. I got it as an e mail and thought it was quite funny. Enjoy, from a dark, primitive Africa.
Subject: Fun Replies to Questions on SA: Be Nice to 2010 Tourists
These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African
tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain
on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad
tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send
me
a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in
South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific.
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which
does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday
night in Hillbrow.
Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night
in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female
population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all
year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from.
All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely
handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Subject: Fun Replies to Questions on SA: Be Nice to 2010 Tourists
These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African
tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain
on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad
tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send
me
a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in
South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific.
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which
does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday
night in Hillbrow.
Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night
in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female
population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all
year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from.
All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely
handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
WHO DISCOVERED WHAT? WHO INVENTED WHAT?
Man discovered WOMEN and invented SEX,
Woman discovered SEX and invented HEADACHES.
Man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
Woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
Man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
Woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.
Man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
Woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.
Man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
Woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
Man discovered COLORS and invented PAINT,
Woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
Man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
Woman discovered MONEY and that's when it all got messed up.
money
Woman discovered SEX and invented HEADACHES.
Man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
Woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
Man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
Woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.
Man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
Woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.
Man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
Woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
Man discovered COLORS and invented PAINT,
Woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
Man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
Woman discovered MONEY and that's when it all got messed up.
money
Saturday, April 25, 2009
NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK!
I assume the person buying the groceries is a lady...
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected the following:
a litre of milk
a carton of eggs
a carton of orange juice
a 250 gram package of bacon
a head of lettuce
a 1 kilo can of coffee.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"Y…YOU MUSSHT BE SHINGLE."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "COZSH YOU’RE MIGHTY UGLY."
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected the following:
a litre of milk
a carton of eggs
a carton of orange juice
a 250 gram package of bacon
a head of lettuce
a 1 kilo can of coffee.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"Y…YOU MUSSHT BE SHINGLE."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "COZSH YOU’RE MIGHTY UGLY."
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
BEWARE OF WOMAN DRIVERS!
Yes, it is a female driving this car, and there is no camera trick involved, she drove the car out of the show room about a week after she got her driver's licence. Be afraid, be very afraid!
I sure feel sorry for the car....
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
LET THAT BE A LESSON TO ALL!
BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER
For those that don't know him,
Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'
==========================
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended
For those that don't know him,
Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'
==========================
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended
Thursday, March 5, 2009
YEAH RIGHT!
I thought these were really cute!
These are Nashville , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I' m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
These are Nashville , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I' m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Monday, March 2, 2009
SICK LEAVE!
Sick leave
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would
not allow me to take leave.. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY'
then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My
co-worker (Sipho) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was
pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was
'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What
are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for
a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him
'...And where do you think you're going?'
(You're gonna love this.....)
..
..
..
..
..
He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would
not allow me to take leave.. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY'
then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My
co-worker (Sipho) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was
pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was
'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What
are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for
a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him
'...And where do you think you're going?'
(You're gonna love this.....)
..
..
..
..
..
He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
WHERE'S THE IRON??
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
>
> She knocked on the door then immediately
> walked in. She was shocked to see her
> daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
>
> Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
> perfume filled the room.
>
> 'What are you doing?' she asked.
>
> 'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
> work.'
> The daughter-in-law answered.
>
> ' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law
> exclaimed.
>
> 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
> explained.
>
> 'Love dress? But you're naked!'
>
> 'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
> explained.
>
> 'Every time he sees me in this dress,
> he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for
> hours.'
>
> The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
> undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
> dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
> on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
>
> Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
> and saw her lying there so provocatively.
>
> ' What are you doing?' he asked.
>
> 'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
>
> 'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for
> dinner?'
>
> She knocked on the door then immediately
> walked in. She was shocked to see her
> daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
>
> Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
> perfume filled the room.
>
> 'What are you doing?' she asked.
>
> 'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
> work.'
> The daughter-in-law answered.
>
> ' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law
> exclaimed.
>
> 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
> explained.
>
> 'Love dress? But you're naked!'
>
> 'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
> explained.
>
> 'Every time he sees me in this dress,
> he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for
> hours.'
>
> The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
> undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
> dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
> on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
>
> Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
> and saw her lying there so provocatively.
>
> ' What are you doing?' he asked.
>
> 'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
>
> 'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for
> dinner?'
Friday, January 9, 2009
COUNCIL OF MAN LAWS!
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(angel) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
But you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose
playing.
9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's
officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model
and only when it's free.
11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend'
have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime, green,
orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for
Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an
X-Box 360 End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.
27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definition of each is listed below:
' GUTS ' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
' BALLS ' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square
on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'
I hope this clears up any confusion,
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(angel) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
But you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose
playing.
9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's
officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model
and only when it's free.
11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend'
have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime, green,
orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for
Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an
X-Box 360 End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.
27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definition of each is listed below:
' GUTS ' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
' BALLS ' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square
on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'
I hope this clears up any confusion,
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