Friday, August 29, 2008
You can say that again....
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People--
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress R5000. Tux rental-R100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister,
or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time. !
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks..
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is R15.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years,
maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes --
one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Men Are Just Happier People--
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress R5000. Tux rental-R100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister,
or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time. !
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks..
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is R15.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years,
maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes --
one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Shame!!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
Economic Models explained with Cows
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows
You give one to your neighbour
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk
FASCISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and sells you some milk
NAZISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and shoots you
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows
Business seems pretty good
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows
The one on the left looks very attractive
A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows
One is a black cow and one is a white cow. The white cow produces more milk but the black cow is previously disadvantaged so you obtain a contract to supply milk to the state at inflated prices. The black cow joins a Cosatu strike against high food prices while the white cow continues to produce milk. The state discovers that you are selling only milk from the white cow, accuses you of fronting, revokes your BEE status and re-possesses both cows.
Both cows are slaughtered to celebrate Zuma's inauguration. Cosatu commence on a second strike because now there is no milk.
You have 2 cows
You give one to your neighbour
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk
FASCISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and sells you some milk
NAZISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and shoots you
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows
Business seems pretty good
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows
The one on the left looks very attractive
A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows
One is a black cow and one is a white cow. The white cow produces more milk but the black cow is previously disadvantaged so you obtain a contract to supply milk to the state at inflated prices. The black cow joins a Cosatu strike against high food prices while the white cow continues to produce milk. The state discovers that you are selling only milk from the white cow, accuses you of fronting, revokes your BEE status and re-possesses both cows.
Both cows are slaughtered to celebrate Zuma's inauguration. Cosatu commence on a second strike because now there is no milk.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Aaauch!
A South African Boertjie is drinking in a London bar when his
cellphone rings.
He hangs up grinning from ear to ear and orders a round for the whole
bar announcing that his wife just gave birth to a 12kg baby boy.
Nobody can believe the weight but the South African just shrugs and
says, "We make 'em big back home folks. My boy's typically South African".
Congrats are showered on him and many exclamations of "WOW" are heard.
One woman even faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the South African Boertjie returns to the same bar.
Barman says "We were going to call you, everyone's been making bets as
to how much your 12kg son weighs now, so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers that he now weighs 9kg's. The barman is puzzled
and concerned and asks "What happened, he already weighed 12kg on the day he was born".
The South African father takes a slow swig from his long neck Castle
beer, wipes his lips on his khaki shirt, leans proudly over to the bartender and says: "Had him
circumcised boet"
cellphone rings.
He hangs up grinning from ear to ear and orders a round for the whole
bar announcing that his wife just gave birth to a 12kg baby boy.
Nobody can believe the weight but the South African just shrugs and
says, "We make 'em big back home folks. My boy's typically South African".
Congrats are showered on him and many exclamations of "WOW" are heard.
One woman even faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the South African Boertjie returns to the same bar.
Barman says "We were going to call you, everyone's been making bets as
to how much your 12kg son weighs now, so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers that he now weighs 9kg's. The barman is puzzled
and concerned and asks "What happened, he already weighed 12kg on the day he was born".
The South African father takes a slow swig from his long neck Castle
beer, wipes his lips on his khaki shirt, leans proudly over to the bartender and says: "Had him
circumcised boet"
Double ooooops!
To me flying is a nerve wrecking experience, if I had to witness this before flying somewhere, I would have been off my rocker for sure. Damn, I hate flying!!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
How much do you drink??
The Average South African
A recent study conducted by Wits University found that the average South African walks about 1200 kms a year. Another study by the South African Medical Association found that South Africans drink, on average, 100 litres of alcohol a year. This means, on average, South Africans get about 12 kms to the litre.
Kind of makes you proud to be South African.
A recent study conducted by Wits University found that the average South African walks about 1200 kms a year. Another study by the South African Medical Association found that South Africans drink, on average, 100 litres of alcohol a year. This means, on average, South Africans get about 12 kms to the litre.
Kind of makes you proud to be South African.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Women are evil by nature
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured
alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer,
"Are you the manager?"
She asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied"
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,
" running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathed the bartender...
Is there anything I can do?
"Yes, I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefingers across the bartenders lips and slyly popping a couple of
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What
Should I tell him" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him" she whispered "There is no toilet paper, hand soap, or
paper towels in the ladies room".
alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer,
"Are you the manager?"
She asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied"
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,
" running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathed the bartender...
Is there anything I can do?
"Yes, I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefingers across the bartenders lips and slyly popping a couple of
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What
Should I tell him" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him" she whispered "There is no toilet paper, hand soap, or
paper towels in the ladies room".
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Jiggg!
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,
'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks,
'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied,
'We just love the chocolate around them.'
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,
'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks,
'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied,
'We just love the chocolate around them.'
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
To be or not to be..... married....
WHY AM I MARRIED?
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the
wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
__________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
__________
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________
A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished .
__________
A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
__________
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
__________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say...
talk in your sleep.
__________
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
__________
"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man ,
to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"
__________
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their
nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the
wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a
while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick
of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the
end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the
wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
__________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
__________
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________
A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished .
__________
A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
__________
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
__________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say...
talk in your sleep.
__________
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
__________
"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man ,
to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"
__________
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their
nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the
wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a
while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick
of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the
end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
Kidzzz!!
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS
This one is for everyone who...
a) Had kids
b) Has kids
c) Is going to have kids
d) Knows a kid
e) Was a kid
d) IS PLANNING TO HAVE KIDS
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,
"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers
in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing
on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my snot???"
________________________________________
This one is for everyone who...
a) Had kids
b) Has kids
c) Is going to have kids
d) Knows a kid
e) Was a kid
d) IS PLANNING TO HAVE KIDS
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,
"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers
in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing
on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my snot???"
________________________________________
Cowboy or lesbian??
A weather beaten old cowboy sits down at the corner Starbucks and orders
a black coffee. As he sits quietly sipping the brew, an attractive young
woman sits down next to him and asks: "Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I guess so", he replies. "I've spent sixty years breaking in
colts, working cows, roping steers, riding rodeo, pulling calves,
bailing hay, driving herds, cleaning out barns and feeding my range
dogs, so yes, I reckon I'm a cowboy."
"I am a lesbian," she says. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think
about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about
women when I eat. Seems everything I do makes me think about women." The
two sit sipping in silence until the young woman leaves.
A little while later, a man sits down on the other side of the old
cowboy and asks: "Are you a real cowboy?" Shaking his head he replies,
"Always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian
a black coffee. As he sits quietly sipping the brew, an attractive young
woman sits down next to him and asks: "Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I guess so", he replies. "I've spent sixty years breaking in
colts, working cows, roping steers, riding rodeo, pulling calves,
bailing hay, driving herds, cleaning out barns and feeding my range
dogs, so yes, I reckon I'm a cowboy."
"I am a lesbian," she says. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think
about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about
women when I eat. Seems everything I do makes me think about women." The
two sit sipping in silence until the young woman leaves.
A little while later, a man sits down on the other side of the old
cowboy and asks: "Are you a real cowboy?" Shaking his head he replies,
"Always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian
Vrouens en jag!
Subject: Fw: DIS HOEKOM VROUENS NIE GAAN JAG NIE...
Die ou gaan gereeld jag en sy vrou moet altyd by die huis bly.
Sy besluit toe om vir haar `n geweer te koop en saam te gaan jag.
Op die plaas aangekom sê hy vir haar om links teen die rivier af te
loop dan loop hy regs teen die rivier af.
Hulle sal dan weer mekaar, onder, by die hoof hek ontmoet.
So gesê, so gedaan. Hy het skaars 200 meter geloop toe hy drie skote
hoor klap.
Hy hardloop terug in haar rigting en by die rivier kry hy haar.
Sy stry kliphard en aanhoudend met `n wild vreemde man...
"Meneer, dit is my Kudu die, ek het hom eerste gesien, en drie
kopskote gegee!"
"Goed mevrou, ek gaan nie verder met jou stry nie, vat dan die kudu
vir jou, maar gee jy om as eknet gou my saal en toom van jou f*#&en kudu afhaal!?"
Die ou gaan gereeld jag en sy vrou moet altyd by die huis bly.
Sy besluit toe om vir haar `n geweer te koop en saam te gaan jag.
Op die plaas aangekom sê hy vir haar om links teen die rivier af te
loop dan loop hy regs teen die rivier af.
Hulle sal dan weer mekaar, onder, by die hoof hek ontmoet.
So gesê, so gedaan. Hy het skaars 200 meter geloop toe hy drie skote
hoor klap.
Hy hardloop terug in haar rigting en by die rivier kry hy haar.
Sy stry kliphard en aanhoudend met `n wild vreemde man...
"Meneer, dit is my Kudu die, ek het hom eerste gesien, en drie
kopskote gegee!"
"Goed mevrou, ek gaan nie verder met jou stry nie, vat dan die kudu
vir jou, maar gee jy om as eknet gou my saal en toom van jou f*#&en kudu afhaal!?"
Monday, August 18, 2008
Answer these questions....
Questions you just can't answer
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undre ssed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on.......
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undre ssed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on.......
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Bored husband-
Some ideas for those of you whose wives/ girlfriends insist on dragging us to go shopping.
Bored husband-
>>
>> Proof of what can happen if a wife drags her husband along to go
>> shopping.
>>
>> Dear Mrs. Murray,
>>>> Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with
>> us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences
>> over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.
>>
>> MEMO
>>
>> Re: Complaints
>>
>> 15 Things Mr. Wayne Murry has done while his spouse is
>> shopping:
>>
>> 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
>> people's carts when they weren't looking.
>>
>> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
>> 5-minute intervals.
>>
>> 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
>> tampons section.
>>
>> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
>> tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
>>
>> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's
>> on lay-by.
>>
>> 6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
>> area.
>>
>> 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
>> shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the
>> bedding department.
>>
>> 8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to
>> cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
>>
>> 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
>> mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
>>
>> 10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department asked
>> theclerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
>>
>> 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
>> the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
>>
>> 12. December 6: In the auto department, practised his 'Madonna look'
>> using different size funnels.
>>
>> 13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
>> through, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
>>
>> 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker he
>> assumes the foetal position and screams 'NO!
>> NO! It's those voices again!!!
>>
>> And; last, but not least!
>>
>> 15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
>> while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here!'
Bored husband-
>>
>> Proof of what can happen if a wife drags her husband along to go
>> shopping.
>>
>> Dear Mrs. Murray,
>>>> Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with
>> us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences
>> over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.
>>
>> MEMO
>>
>> Re: Complaints
>>
>> 15 Things Mr. Wayne Murry has done while his spouse is
>> shopping:
>>
>> 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
>> people's carts when they weren't looking.
>>
>> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
>> 5-minute intervals.
>>
>> 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
>> tampons section.
>>
>> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
>> tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
>>
>> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's
>> on lay-by.
>>
>> 6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
>> area.
>>
>> 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
>> shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the
>> bedding department.
>>
>> 8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to
>> cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
>>
>> 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
>> mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
>>
>> 10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department asked
>> theclerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
>>
>> 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
>> the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
>>
>> 12. December 6: In the auto department, practised his 'Madonna look'
>> using different size funnels.
>>
>> 13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
>> through, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
>>
>> 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker he
>> assumes the foetal position and screams 'NO!
>> NO! It's those voices again!!!
>>
>> And; last, but not least!
>>
>> 15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
>> while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here!'
Check this out!
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ACTUAL WRITINGS ON MPUMALANGA HOSPITAL CHARTS:
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
To flirt or not to flirt.....
BRILLIANT!!
ONE GOOD REASON WHY NOT TO FLIRT!!!!!
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween
party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and
said
she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need
for
his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke Without pain
and as it was still early, decided go to the party.
As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see
how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his
costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
"chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss
there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her
husband.
After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her
ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had
passionate
intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she
slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous
behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of
time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when
you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied,
"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met
Pete,
Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and
played
poker all evening"
You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker
all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your
Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
ONE GOOD REASON WHY NOT TO FLIRT!!!!!
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween
party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and
said
she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need
for
his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke Without pain
and as it was still early, decided go to the party.
As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see
how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his
costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
"chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss
there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her
husband.
After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her
ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had
passionate
intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she
slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous
behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of
time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when
you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied,
"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met
Pete,
Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and
played
poker all evening"
You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker
all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your
Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
Indian Chief,'Two Eagles'
WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?
Indian Chief,'Two Eagles,' was asked by a white government official,
'You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued,
'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.
'When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Clean Water;
Women did all the work, Medicine Man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; All night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled.
'Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that.
Indian Chief,'Two Eagles,' was asked by a white government official,
'You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued,
'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.
'When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Clean Water;
Women did all the work, Medicine Man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; All night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled.
'Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that.
Joys of having kids
: Cup of Tea - the joys of having children
> One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
>
> I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
>
> Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was
> one of my favorite toys.
>
> Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
> brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several
> cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
>
> My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
> tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
> enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
> watches him drink it up.
>
> Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)
>
> 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get
> water is the toilet?'
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>
>
>
> One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
>
> I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
>
> Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was
> one of my favorite toys.
>
> Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
> brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several
> cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
>
> My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
> tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
> enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
> watches him drink it up.
>
> Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)
>
> 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get
> water is the toilet?'
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>
>
>
Absentee notes
These are absentee notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools all over South Africa.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School : Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the sh its. [Words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20.Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse Burma , she has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School : Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the sh its. [Words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20.Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse Burma , she has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
Classic - my son is gay
THIS IS CLASSIC!!!!
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company.
He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets.
He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.
He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
"What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company.
He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets.
He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.
He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
"What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
agricultural rep
A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old Afrikaans farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm.' The old Afrikaner said, 'OK Boet, but doesn't goes in that field over there.'
The Agriculture representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....
'Your card! Your card, Boet! Shows him your card!'
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The Agriculture representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....
'Your card! Your card, Boet! Shows him your card!'
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