JUK!! GUESS WHO THE JOKE IS ON....

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on

a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived

at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near

spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying

to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage

tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying

that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

GOOD ONE!

Dad: Son what are doing?
Son: Nothing Dad.
Dad: But you did that yesterday too!
Son: Yes Dad, but I never finished.

NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL AN OPEN AND SHUT CASE!!

Your wife decides to go out with her friends on a girls night out ...

You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night!!!

You hear her stumble into bed around 4am and laugh to yourself, knowing she's going to have a monster hangover....

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night. You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece.

You circle the car looking for dents and find none! Yay!

But then .... wait a minute....

A picture is worth a thousand words....


SCROLL DOWN!!!



:


:


:

Rugby jokes.

Worst case of child molesting in South Africa: No, nooo, please daddy, please dont make me.....don’t make me wear the SPRINGBOK jersey!!

South African Springbok Rugby:
During yesterdays practice, the scrum machine broke through twice to score a try!!

heee yaaah!!

One specially for the ladies.

Woman's Poem


He didn't like the casserole,

And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right,

He didn't like the stew.

I didn't mend his socks,

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer,

looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and *snotklapped him...

Like his mother used to do.


*snotklapped = smacked him so hard, whatever was in his nose, sat on his cheek.

Nasty one.

> I went to the mall on Saturday, and I was in there for only
> about 5
> Minutes. When I came out there was a damn Metro cop
> writing a parking
> ticket.
>
> So I went up to him and said, "Come on, sugar..., how
> about giving a
> Girl a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the
> ticket. So I
> Called him a pencil-necked member of the Boerebond. He
> glared at me and
> Started writing another ticket for having worn tyres! So I
> called him a
> Verkrampte piece of horse-sh*t. He finished the second
> ticket and put it
> On the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a
> third
> Ticket, for the cracked windscreen! This went on for about
> 20 minutes.
>
> The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
> "Vetgat" I screamed At
> him. Yet another ticket. "Vetgat with a
> boep-pens!" I shouted again.
> His hand wrote furiously as his neck went a deeper shade of
> purple and
> His blood pressure mounted and his breathing got heavier.
>
> I then walked off as my bus arrived....
>
> I try to have a little fun each day. It's very
> important.
>
>
>
>
>
>

Good ones!

Feeling useless, offended, depressed or just down, remember that you were once the fastest and most victorious little sperm out of millions!!


In the U S A they invented a new machine to catch criminals: they tested it in New York and in 5 minutes caught 500 criminals. In China in 3 minutes they caught 3500 criminals, in Mozambique in 2 minutes caught 600 criminals. They brought it to South Africa and in ONE minute the machine got stolen!!

Mind the Head!!

Auch!

Guts or Balls?

Guts or Balls...

There is a distinction.

We've all heard about people having guts and/or balls,

but do you really know the difference between them ?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being

met by your wife with a broom in her hands, and having the guts

to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere ?''


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling

of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on

the butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome,

since both ultimately result in death.

That will teach her!!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Crocs and dollars!

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and
Invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Geoffrey, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating
Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has
The balls to jump in.
'The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
Everyone turned around and saw Geoffrey in the pool! Geoffrey was
Fighting the croc and kicking its ass!
Geoffrey was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing
Punches, doing all kinds of shit, like head butts and chokeholds, biting
The croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some
Kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Geoffrey and the
Croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
K-mart goldfish.
Geoffrey then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring
At him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Geoffrey, I reckon I owe you a million
Dollars.'
Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Geoffrey.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.'
'How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Geoffrey.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
Amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
'Again, Geoffrey said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Geoffrey, then what do you want?'
Geoffrey said, 'I want the name of the bustard who pushed me in the
Pool.

Put your foot in it mate!

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place
where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the
father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that
I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

The new South Africa!!

Three contractors - one from Soweto, another from Pretoria,
and the third from Benoni - are bidding to fix a broken fence at
the Union Buildings in Pretoria.

They go with a Union Buildings official to examine the fence.

The Pretoria contractor takes out a tape measure, does some
measuring, and then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about R900: R400
for materials, R400 for my crew, and R100 profit for me."

The Benoni contractor also does some measuring and figuring,
then says, "I can do this job for R700: R300 for materials,
R300 for my crew, and R100 profit for me."

The Soweto contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans
over to the Union Buildings brother and whispers, "R2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like
the other guys! How did y! ou come up with such a high figure?"

The Soweto contractor whispers back, "R1000 for me, R1000 for
you, and we hire the guy from Benoni to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.


And that, folks, is how it all works in S.A. these days!

Cute.....but not true!

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart." I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.

Crabby Old Woman.

Nothing funny about this one, but it is rather touching and I thought it wise to share with you!
If it doesn't bring a lump in your throat, then you cannot be human....

Crabby Old Woman - one to think about!

When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee, Scotland, it was believed that she had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
One nurse took her copy to Ireland. The old lady's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North Ireland Assn. for Mental Health.
A slide presentation has also been made based on her simple, but eloquent poem.
And this little old Scottish lady, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet:



Crabby Old Woman

What do you see, nurses?
What do you see?
What are you thinking,
When you're looking at me?

A crabby old woman,
Not very wise,
Uncertain of habit,
With faraway eyes.

Who dribbles her food,
And makes no reply,
When you say in a loud voice,
'I do wish you'd try!'

Who seems not to notice,
The things that you do,
And forever is losing,
A stocking or shoe

Who, resisting or not
Lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding,
The long day to fill?

Is that what you're thinking?
Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse,
You're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am,
As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding,
As I eat at your will.

I'm a small child of ten,
With a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters,
Who love one another.

A young girl of sixteen,
With wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now,
A lover she'll meet.

A bride soon at twenty,
My heart gives a leap,
As I make the vows
That I promised to keep.

At twenty-five now,
I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide,
And a secure happy home.

A woman of thirty,
My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other,
With ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons,
Have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me,
To see I don't mourn.

At fifty once more,
Babies play round my knee,
Again we know children,
My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me,
My husband is dead,
I look at the future,
I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing
Young of their own,
And I think of the years,
And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old woman,
And nature is cruel,
'Tis jest to make old age,
Look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles,
Grace and vigour depart,
There is now a stone
Where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass,
A young girl still dwells,
And now and again,
My battered heart swells.

I remember the joys,
I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living
Life over again.

I think of the years,
All too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact
That nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people,
Open and see,
Not a crabby old woman;
Look closer - see ME!!
Remember this poem when you next meet an old person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.
We will all, one day, be there, too!


I love to share this poem.
IT'S SOMETHING WE ALL NEED TO READ.
And don't forget the crabby old men either!**********************************************************************
**********************************************************************

Shortes fairy tale in the world!

Once upon a time, a man asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "No". And, the man lived happily ever after.


The End

Hey Peacock!

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court in Sandton. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

One year guarantee!

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid

So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year, namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! "Helllooooo!!" (I told him). "It's been a year!"

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung
up...he hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the
guarantee they made me.

Never say never!

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room,
talking about life... In-between, we talked about the
idea of living or dying.

I said to her:

'Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally
dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle.
If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect
all the contraptions that are keeping me alive,
I'd much rather die'.

Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of
admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect
the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer,
the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went
to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!

....I ALMOST DIED!!!

Magic!

A Boer seun and his Pa were in a mall. As they were from out of town
they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Pa?' The father (never having seen an elevator/lift) responded,
'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his Pa were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair
moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his Pa watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son.

'Go fetch your mother!”

When the wife doesn't listen!!

Can you trust your wife??

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

A few good ones.....

Man to his wife: From today onwards I am the boss in this house, I demand three course meals, desert with every meal, snacks in between, you will run me a hot bath every morning and see to it that my outfit for the day is neatly laid out on my bed. Oh, and guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?
Wife nonchalantly: More than likely the funeral parlor.

A black Zimbabwe couple are sitting in their house, ready to die. No food, no water, no electricity, inflation 150 000 %. Suddenly the pipes rumble with water, the lights go on and there is a truck in the street handing out food. The husband shouts to his wife, “bring my panga, the whites are back!”

Blond takes car for repairs and asks the mechanic what the problem is.
“Crap in the carburetor.” He replies.
Blond: “Oh, how often should I do that?

USS Hampshire: “Can someone help us! We are sinking, we are sinking!”
German Coast Guard: “Zis iz ze German Coast Guard, What are you sinking about?”

grrrr!!

You just tell me if someone messes with you!!

Yeah, sure!

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES


1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - Q20 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE Q20. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

8. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

Those blonde jokes.

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE - my personal favourite!
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So wh at? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

Auch!!

Careful now!

Ah haa!

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived the bitches.'

Don't mess with this chick.

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long

flight.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely

declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a

question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5 You ask me

one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention, so to keep him quiet, she agrees to

play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to

the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a

five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes

down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the
airphone, he searches the Net and even the library of Congress. He
sends e-mails to
all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of
searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500
and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and
asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.

Hehehehe

Koos, Mike en Kallie word deur spietkops by 'n groot winkelsentrum in Benoni afgetrek.

Spietkop: OK, guys, het julle 'n idéé hoe vinnig julle gery het?

Hulle: G'n idee nie - maar jy gaan ons sê!

Spietkop: So vinnig dat julle elkeen 'n spoedkaartjie gaan kry! (Hy haal sy boekie uit.) Wat is jou naam?

Koos kyk rond en sien 'n Woolworths-reklamebord daar naby: "My naam is William Woolworth," sê Koos.

Kallie snap dit dadelik, kyk rond en sien Edgars. "My naam is Eddie Edgars!"

Kallie en Koos kyk benoud na Mike en hoop dat hy verstaan wat hulle gedoen het.

"En jy?" vra die spietkop kwaai.

"My naam is Ken!"

"Ja, maar wat is jou volle name?"

Mike sê selfversekerd: "My naam is Ken, en my van is Takkie Fraaid Tjieken!"