IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!

Son asked his mother the following question:
Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies, 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout, he shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the son replies : ' WHITE '.
he does the same for the dishwasher,
the washing machine,
the stove, etc etc.
Then he tells the son:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

HOW TO MASSAGE YOUR WIFE TO MAKE HER SCREAM!

The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream non stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Indian says: That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."


The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours, phenomenal!
How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" ...

:


:


:


:


:

The Indian: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

NAUGHTY!!

Sometimes animals have a better sense of humor than humans.

F**KIN CUCKOO!!

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards

the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a

friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does NOT

build its own nest?'

A: Sparrow

B: Thrush

C: Magpie

D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone

me friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him

the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit

Cuckoo as me answer.' 'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris 'Dat it is,

Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the

correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that

doesn't build it's own nest?

'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'

BODY STATISTICS.

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's peni$ is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

WOMAN'S LOVE POEM.

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I long for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I hope he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to
'how big is my behind?'
I trust that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best
friend.

MEN'S LOVE POEM.

I crave for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a
golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This doesn't
rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.

Author: No idea, wasn't me!

Another Sexual Techniques to Make Her Wild with Desire

What Goes Up Must Come Down

This is best used as a quickie, whether in the middle of the night or during a chaotic afternoon. She can't say no to this.

• When you put the toilet seat up….put it back down.
• Every time.
I know…I know.. maybe no more techniques...

Sexual Technique to Make Your Wife Wild with Desire!!

Between being married a long time, and also being a man, I can tell you guys that there are certain things you can do to make your wife swoon. They aren't difficult, anyone can do them and they are some of the sexiest things I can think of…and I have quite the imagination… Here follows one of them:

Wet Hands
Yep, it is the wet hands technique. Certainly one of the most popular among most women polled for this article. So simple. So exciting. You will leave her breathless.
• Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid. Not too many, you don't want it to be harsh. There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you.
• With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.
• Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth across the surface of it..over and over again.
• Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.
.Now you repeat the process until all the dirty dishes are clean, works like a bom....

FEW GOOD JOKES.

How do you know your country’s currency really sucks??
Prostitutes would prefer going steady….

Doctor after examining Bruce’s wife: Bruce, a really ugly thing we have here!
Bruce: Yes Doctor, I know, but she is really stinking rich!

Why don’t Cuban rowers ever compete in the Olympics ?
Coz those who can row are in America already.

What do you call a woman who 24/7 knows where her husband is??
A widow.

FLYING DUTCHMAN!!