A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Monday, September 8, 2008
Saturday, September 6, 2008
A few good ones.....
Man to his wife: From today onwards I am the boss in this house, I demand three course meals, desert with every meal, snacks in between, you will run me a hot bath every morning and see to it that my outfit for the day is neatly laid out on my bed. Oh, and guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?
Wife nonchalantly: More than likely the funeral parlor.
A black Zimbabwe couple are sitting in their house, ready to die. No food, no water, no electricity, inflation 150 000 %. Suddenly the pipes rumble with water, the lights go on and there is a truck in the street handing out food. The husband shouts to his wife, “bring my panga, the whites are back!”
Blond takes car for repairs and asks the mechanic what the problem is.
“Crap in the carburetor.” He replies.
Blond: “Oh, how often should I do that?
USS Hampshire: “Can someone help us! We are sinking, we are sinking!”
German Coast Guard: “Zis iz ze German Coast Guard, What are you sinking about?”
Wife nonchalantly: More than likely the funeral parlor.
A black Zimbabwe couple are sitting in their house, ready to die. No food, no water, no electricity, inflation 150 000 %. Suddenly the pipes rumble with water, the lights go on and there is a truck in the street handing out food. The husband shouts to his wife, “bring my panga, the whites are back!”
Blond takes car for repairs and asks the mechanic what the problem is.
“Crap in the carburetor.” He replies.
Blond: “Oh, how often should I do that?
USS Hampshire: “Can someone help us! We are sinking, we are sinking!”
German Coast Guard: “Zis iz ze German Coast Guard, What are you sinking about?”
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Yeah, sure!
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - Q20 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE Q20. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
8. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - Q20 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE Q20. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
8. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
Those blonde jokes.
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE - my personal favourite!
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So wh at? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE - my personal favourite!
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So wh at? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Ah haa!
All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
'I outlived the bitches.'
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
'I outlived the bitches.'
Monday, September 1, 2008
Don't mess with this chick.
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long
flight.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5 You ask me
one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention, so to keep him quiet, she agrees to
play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to
the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a
five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes
down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the
airphone, he searches the Net and even the library of Congress. He
sends e-mails to
all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of
searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500
and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and
asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.
flight.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5 You ask me
one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention, so to keep him quiet, she agrees to
play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to
the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a
five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes
down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the
airphone, he searches the Net and even the library of Congress. He
sends e-mails to
all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of
searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500
and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and
asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.
Hehehehe
Koos, Mike en Kallie word deur spietkops by 'n groot winkelsentrum in Benoni afgetrek.
Spietkop: OK, guys, het julle 'n idéé hoe vinnig julle gery het?
Hulle: G'n idee nie - maar jy gaan ons sê!
Spietkop: So vinnig dat julle elkeen 'n spoedkaartjie gaan kry! (Hy haal sy boekie uit.) Wat is jou naam?
Koos kyk rond en sien 'n Woolworths-reklamebord daar naby: "My naam is William Woolworth," sê Koos.
Kallie snap dit dadelik, kyk rond en sien Edgars. "My naam is Eddie Edgars!"
Kallie en Koos kyk benoud na Mike en hoop dat hy verstaan wat hulle gedoen het.
"En jy?" vra die spietkop kwaai.
"My naam is Ken!"
"Ja, maar wat is jou volle name?"
Mike sê selfversekerd: "My naam is Ken, en my van is Takkie Fraaid Tjieken!"
Spietkop: OK, guys, het julle 'n idéé hoe vinnig julle gery het?
Hulle: G'n idee nie - maar jy gaan ons sê!
Spietkop: So vinnig dat julle elkeen 'n spoedkaartjie gaan kry! (Hy haal sy boekie uit.) Wat is jou naam?
Koos kyk rond en sien 'n Woolworths-reklamebord daar naby: "My naam is William Woolworth," sê Koos.
Kallie snap dit dadelik, kyk rond en sien Edgars. "My naam is Eddie Edgars!"
Kallie en Koos kyk benoud na Mike en hoop dat hy verstaan wat hulle gedoen het.
"En jy?" vra die spietkop kwaai.
"My naam is Ken!"
"Ja, maar wat is jou volle name?"
Mike sê selfversekerd: "My naam is Ken, en my van is Takkie Fraaid Tjieken!"
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