Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
SOUTH AFRICAN TOURISM WEBSITE.
Don't know if I should post this, but here goes... no hard feelings... I hope. I got it as an e mail and thought it was quite funny. Enjoy, from a dark, primitive Africa.
Subject: Fun Replies to Questions on SA: Be Nice to 2010 Tourists
These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African
tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain
on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad
tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send
me
a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in
South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific.
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which
does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday
night in Hillbrow.
Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night
in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female
population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all
year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from.
All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely
handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Subject: Fun Replies to Questions on SA: Be Nice to 2010 Tourists
These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African
tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain
on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad
tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send
me
a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in
South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific.
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which
does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday
night in Hillbrow.
Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night
in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female
population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all
year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from.
All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely
handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
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