BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER
For those that don't know him,
Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'
==========================
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
YEAH RIGHT!
I thought these were really cute!
These are Nashville , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I' m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
These are Nashville , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I' m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Monday, March 2, 2009
SICK LEAVE!
Sick leave
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would
not allow me to take leave.. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY'
then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My
co-worker (Sipho) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was
pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was
'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What
are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for
a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him
'...And where do you think you're going?'
(You're gonna love this.....)
..
..
..
..
..
He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would
not allow me to take leave.. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY'
then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My
co-worker (Sipho) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was
pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was
'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What
are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for
a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him
'...And where do you think you're going?'
(You're gonna love this.....)
..
..
..
..
..
He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
WHERE'S THE IRON??
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
>
> She knocked on the door then immediately
> walked in. She was shocked to see her
> daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
>
> Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
> perfume filled the room.
>
> 'What are you doing?' she asked.
>
> 'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
> work.'
> The daughter-in-law answered.
>
> ' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law
> exclaimed.
>
> 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
> explained.
>
> 'Love dress? But you're naked!'
>
> 'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
> explained.
>
> 'Every time he sees me in this dress,
> he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for
> hours.'
>
> The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
> undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
> dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
> on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
>
> Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
> and saw her lying there so provocatively.
>
> ' What are you doing?' he asked.
>
> 'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
>
> 'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for
> dinner?'
>
> She knocked on the door then immediately
> walked in. She was shocked to see her
> daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
>
> Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
> perfume filled the room.
>
> 'What are you doing?' she asked.
>
> 'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
> work.'
> The daughter-in-law answered.
>
> ' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law
> exclaimed.
>
> 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
> explained.
>
> 'Love dress? But you're naked!'
>
> 'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
> explained.
>
> 'Every time he sees me in this dress,
> he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for
> hours.'
>
> The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
> undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
> dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
> on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
>
> Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
> and saw her lying there so provocatively.
>
> ' What are you doing?' he asked.
>
> 'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
>
> 'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for
> dinner?'
Friday, January 9, 2009
COUNCIL OF MAN LAWS!
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(angel) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
But you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose
playing.
9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's
officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model
and only when it's free.
11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend'
have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime, green,
orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for
Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an
X-Box 360 End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.
27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definition of each is listed below:
' GUTS ' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
' BALLS ' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square
on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'
I hope this clears up any confusion,
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(angel) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
But you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose
playing.
9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's
officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model
and only when it's free.
11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend'
have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime, green,
orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for
Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an
X-Box 360 End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.
27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definition of each is listed below:
' GUTS ' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
' BALLS ' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square
on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'
I hope this clears up any confusion,
Monday, November 24, 2008
MUST BE SOUTH AFRICAN MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT!
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.
Vote carefully…
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.
Vote carefully…
Friday, November 21, 2008
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