Put your foot in it mate!

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place
where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the
father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that
I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

The new South Africa!!

Three contractors - one from Soweto, another from Pretoria,
and the third from Benoni - are bidding to fix a broken fence at
the Union Buildings in Pretoria.

They go with a Union Buildings official to examine the fence.

The Pretoria contractor takes out a tape measure, does some
measuring, and then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about R900: R400
for materials, R400 for my crew, and R100 profit for me."

The Benoni contractor also does some measuring and figuring,
then says, "I can do this job for R700: R300 for materials,
R300 for my crew, and R100 profit for me."

The Soweto contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans
over to the Union Buildings brother and whispers, "R2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like
the other guys! How did y! ou come up with such a high figure?"

The Soweto contractor whispers back, "R1000 for me, R1000 for
you, and we hire the guy from Benoni to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.


And that, folks, is how it all works in S.A. these days!

Cute.....but not true!

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart." I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.

Crabby Old Woman.

Nothing funny about this one, but it is rather touching and I thought it wise to share with you!
If it doesn't bring a lump in your throat, then you cannot be human....

Crabby Old Woman - one to think about!

When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee, Scotland, it was believed that she had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
One nurse took her copy to Ireland. The old lady's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North Ireland Assn. for Mental Health.
A slide presentation has also been made based on her simple, but eloquent poem.
And this little old Scottish lady, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet:



Crabby Old Woman

What do you see, nurses?
What do you see?
What are you thinking,
When you're looking at me?

A crabby old woman,
Not very wise,
Uncertain of habit,
With faraway eyes.

Who dribbles her food,
And makes no reply,
When you say in a loud voice,
'I do wish you'd try!'

Who seems not to notice,
The things that you do,
And forever is losing,
A stocking or shoe

Who, resisting or not
Lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding,
The long day to fill?

Is that what you're thinking?
Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse,
You're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am,
As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding,
As I eat at your will.

I'm a small child of ten,
With a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters,
Who love one another.

A young girl of sixteen,
With wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now,
A lover she'll meet.

A bride soon at twenty,
My heart gives a leap,
As I make the vows
That I promised to keep.

At twenty-five now,
I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide,
And a secure happy home.

A woman of thirty,
My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other,
With ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons,
Have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me,
To see I don't mourn.

At fifty once more,
Babies play round my knee,
Again we know children,
My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me,
My husband is dead,
I look at the future,
I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing
Young of their own,
And I think of the years,
And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old woman,
And nature is cruel,
'Tis jest to make old age,
Look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles,
Grace and vigour depart,
There is now a stone
Where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass,
A young girl still dwells,
And now and again,
My battered heart swells.

I remember the joys,
I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living
Life over again.

I think of the years,
All too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact
That nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people,
Open and see,
Not a crabby old woman;
Look closer - see ME!!
Remember this poem when you next meet an old person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.
We will all, one day, be there, too!


I love to share this poem.
IT'S SOMETHING WE ALL NEED TO READ.
And don't forget the crabby old men either!**********************************************************************
**********************************************************************

Shortes fairy tale in the world!

Once upon a time, a man asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "No". And, the man lived happily ever after.


The End

Hey Peacock!

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court in Sandton. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

One year guarantee!

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid

So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year, namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! "Helllooooo!!" (I told him). "It's been a year!"

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung
up...he hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the
guarantee they made me.

Never say never!

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room,
talking about life... In-between, we talked about the
idea of living or dying.

I said to her:

'Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally
dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle.
If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect
all the contraptions that are keeping me alive,
I'd much rather die'.

Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of
admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect
the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer,
the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went
to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!

....I ALMOST DIED!!!

Magic!

A Boer seun and his Pa were in a mall. As they were from out of town
they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Pa?' The father (never having seen an elevator/lift) responded,
'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his Pa were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair
moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his Pa watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son.

'Go fetch your mother!”

When the wife doesn't listen!!