funny and other

ON A LIGHTER NOTE

2010-07-18T23:09:00.000-07:00

I hope you enjoy this one, I did!

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this story?

"Don't $##$% with Mommy when she's been drinking."

KEEP YOUR PLACE TIDY! OR.......!!

2010-06-17T21:37:00.001-07:00

That will teach him being so sloppy.... never leave your shoes where other can fall over it, you might fall over them yourself.

DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME.

2010-06-01T06:34:00.000-07:00

This is kinda funny, but I feel sorry for some of those kids, specially the way they bend over backwards when they fall.

Enjoy!

A COLD BASTARD.

2010-04-16T02:12:00.000-07:00

Terrible but funny.

MR SHOWOFF SEES HIS ASS BIG TIME!

2010-01-29T07:30:00.000-08:00

Know what, I loved this one, he wanted attention, well he got it, and maybe a might more than he bargained on.

WATCH CLOSELY!

2010-01-24T03:28:00.000-08:00

Pay close attention to the center of the ship!

WATER BED WITH A DIFFERENCE.

2010-01-24T03:13:00.000-08:00

Never trust a salesman...

SOME REALLY SLICK MOVES!

2009-12-07T06:38:00.001-08:00

Some are clever, some are wise.
These guys are all clever...

LITTLE MIKE!

2009-11-05T19:04:00.000-08:00

This is soooo cute, turn up your sound, you're gonna enjoy this one!

TOPLESS BAR!

2009-10-21T05:29:00.000-07:00

This is specially for the guys who love boobs!

So what were you thinking??

SOOOO CUTE!!

2009-10-04T02:05:00.000-07:00

Cute! One of the best!I thought this was so sweet, and so innocent, I just had to share it with you all. Enjoy!
>
> The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher:-
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in
> my own second grade classroom a few years back.

> When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a
> few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and
> usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles,
> model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.
> And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they
> want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
>
> Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very
> outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class
> with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my
> baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
>
> 'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their
love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in
> there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
>
> She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and
> I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are
> watching her in amazement.
>
> Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts
> saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and
> groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'
> (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
> My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies,
> but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got
> my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her
> back against the wall.)
>
> 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in
> there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all
> over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her
> little hands mimicking water flowing away. It was too much!)
>
> 'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
>
> They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then,
> all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff
> that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a
> lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife
> spanked him for crawling up in there.'
>
> Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned
> to her seat.
>
> I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when
> it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case
> another ' Middle wife' comes along.

HUGZZZZ!!

2009-10-02T21:13:00.000-07:00

Totally unbelievable...and soooo cute!

JUNGLE JUICE!

2009-09-23T07:31:00.002-07:00

Now this is sooo cute! This was filmed in South Africa some time ago, to be honest when I was still a little boy, (and that is long before lots of you were born) by a man with the name of Jamie Uys. I hope you have never seen it before, but if you have, please watch it again. Enjoy!

HOLD IT.

2009-09-13T09:18:00.000-07:00

Great one also!

HEY JOE!!

2009-09-04T00:37:00.000-07:00

I thought this was quite funny....

Don't laugh, sooner or later it happens to most....

GETTIN' OLD(ER)

2009-08-26T20:20:00.000-07:00

HOLD THE CAKE.

2009-07-27T04:24:00.000-07:00

Oh, you women are terrible!

GREAT FRIENDS!

2009-07-24T04:49:00.000-07:00

With friends like these, who needs enemies?!

ONE FOR THE GIRLS!

2009-07-06T21:51:00.000-07:00

I am sure all the ladies will enjoy this one, excellent!
Lesson? Never trust a woman, or should I say a cop?

THIS IS NOT A JOKE!

2009-06-19T01:06:00.000-07:00

This is no joke, it is a miracle, brilliant flying though.

PRESCRIPTION NEEDED.

2009-06-19T00:59:00.000-07:00

Poison the huband

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy!

I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law!

I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription .

NEVER TRUST A FRIEND!

2009-06-12T21:59:00.000-07:00

Never trust, not even your best friends!

HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS ONE?

2009-06-12T21:50:00.000-07:00

Damn!
I am sure she looks sexy to someone!! Or someone lied to her.

KIDS ARE THE BEST!

2009-06-02T03:17:00.000-07:00

Kids Are Quick ____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

OUR OWN DIVA!

2009-05-13T22:20:00.000-07:00

Our own Marilyn Monroe!!

SOUTH AFRICAN TOURISM WEBSITE.

2009-05-06T00:39:00.000-07:00

Don't know if I should post this, but here goes... no hard feelings... I hope. I got it as an e mail and thought it was quite funny. Enjoy, from a dark, primitive Africa.

Subject: Fun Replies to Questions on SA: Be Nice to 2010 Tourists

These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African
tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain
on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad
tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send
me
a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in
South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific.
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which
does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday
night in Hillbrow.

Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night
in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female
population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all
year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from.
All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely
handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

WHO DISCOVERED WHAT? WHO INVENTED WHAT?

2009-04-28T09:42:00.000-07:00

Man discovered WOMEN and invented SEX,
Woman discovered SEX and invented HEADACHES.

Man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
Woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

Man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
Woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.

Man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
Woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.

Man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
Woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

Man discovered COLORS and invented PAINT,
Woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

Man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
Woman discovered MONEY and that's when it all got messed up.

money

NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK!

2009-04-25T02:22:00.000-07:00

I assume the person buying the groceries is a lady...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected the following:
a litre of milk
a carton of eggs
a carton of orange juice
a 250 gram package of bacon
a head of lettuce
a 1 kilo can of coffee.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"Y…YOU MUSSHT BE SHINGLE."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "COZSH YOU’RE MIGHTY UGLY."

ANOTHER OOOPS!!

2009-04-15T21:38:00.000-07:00

HOW TO ARREST A TERRORIST!

2009-04-04T03:28:00.000-07:00

This is how you arrest a terrorist. No mercy...

ANOTHER WOMAN "DRIVER!"

2009-03-28T05:51:00.000-07:00

This is really great!!

BEWARE OF WOMAN DRIVERS!

2009-03-27T01:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, it is a female driving this car, and there is no camera trick involved, she drove the car out of the show room about a week after she got her driver's licence. Be afraid, be very afraid!
I sure feel sorry for the car....

HOW LONG CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH?

2009-03-19T05:45:00.000-07:00

LET THAT BE A LESSON TO ALL!

2009-03-10T00:48:00.000-07:00

BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER
For those that don't know him,
Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'
==========================

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended

YEAH RIGHT!

2009-03-05T23:44:00.000-08:00

I thought these were really cute!

These are Nashville , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I' m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

SICK LEAVE!

2009-03-02T19:43:00.000-08:00

Sick leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would
not allow me to take leave.. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY'
then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My
co-worker (Sipho) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was
pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was
'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What
are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for
a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him
'...And where do you think you're going?'

(You're gonna love this.....)
..
..
..
..
..
He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'

WHACK!!

2009-03-02T19:24:00.000-08:00

This is what happens if you pee someone off badly...!

DON'T MESS WITH GANNY!

2009-02-17T03:47:00.000-08:00

Classic one! Enjoy!!

BRAVE OR STUPID?

2009-01-21T21:52:00.000-08:00

Tough cookie?

Some would call this brave, I call it more guts than brains!

WHERE'S THE IRON??

2009-01-21T04:25:00.000-08:00

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
>
> She knocked on the door then immediately
> walked in. She was shocked to see her
> daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
>
> Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
> perfume filled the room.
>
> 'What are you doing?' she asked.
>
> 'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
> work.'
> The daughter-in-law answered.
>
> ' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law
> exclaimed.
>
> 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
> explained.
>
> 'Love dress? But you're naked!'
>
> 'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
> explained.
>
> 'Every time he sees me in this dress,
> he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for
> hours.'
>
> The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
> undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
> dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
> on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
>
> Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
> and saw her lying there so provocatively.
>
> ' What are you doing?' he asked.
>
> 'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
>
> 'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for
> dinner?'

COUNCIL OF MAN LAWS!

2009-01-09T20:00:00.000-08:00

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(angel) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man.

In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
But you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose
playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's
officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model
and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend'
have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime, green,
orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for
Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an
X-Box 360 End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definition of each is listed below:

' GUTS ' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

' BALLS ' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square
on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

I hope this clears up any confusion,

MUST BE SOUTH AFRICAN MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT!

2008-11-24T05:18:00.000-08:00

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.

Vote carefully…

DRIP DRY??

2008-11-21T00:28:00.000-08:00

DRIP DRY AND RUN??

I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME FIGURE OUT WHY....??

2008-10-28T23:35:00.001-07:00

WHY DOES SHE HATE ME THAT MUCH??

SPOT THE DIFFERENCES??

2008-10-20T19:38:00.000-07:00

JUST A FRIENDLY GESTURE!

2008-10-15T23:09:00.000-07:00

At the crowded Sandton bus stop a beautiful young blonde woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, Hennie, a fris boerseun (a strong young man) from Kakamas, who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

Hennie smiled and in his best English answered her : 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree wiff you, but after you unzipped my fly free times, I kinda figured we was friends.'

A QUICK CHUCKLE!

2008-10-14T23:42:00.000-07:00

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

***

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

***

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

***

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up

IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!

2008-10-14T23:11:00.000-07:00

Son asked his mother the following question:
Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies, 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout, he shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the son replies : ' WHITE '.
he does the same for the dishwasher,
the washing machine,
the stove, etc etc.
Then he tells the son:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

HOW TO MASSAGE YOUR WIFE TO MAKE HER SCREAM!

2008-10-14T07:20:00.000-07:00

The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream non stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Indian says: That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours, phenomenal!
How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" ...

:

:

:

:

:

The Indian: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

NAUGHTY!!

2008-10-12T07:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes animals have a better sense of humor than humans.

F**KIN CUCKOO!!

2008-10-08T05:22:00.000-07:00

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards

the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a

friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does NOT

build its own nest?'

A: Sparrow

B: Thrush

C: Magpie

D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone

me friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him

the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit

Cuckoo as me answer.' 'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris 'Dat it is,

Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the

correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that

doesn't build it's own nest?

'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'

BODY STATISTICS.

2008-10-08T04:23:00.001-07:00

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's peni$ is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

WOMAN'S LOVE POEM.

2008-10-06T23:07:00.000-07:00

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I long for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I hope he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to
'how big is my behind?'
I trust that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best
friend.

MEN'S LOVE POEM.

I crave for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a
golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This doesn't
rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.

Author: No idea, wasn't me!

Another Sexual Techniques to Make Her Wild with Desire

2008-10-05T19:33:00.000-07:00

What Goes Up Must Come Down

This is best used as a quickie, whether in the middle of the night or during a chaotic afternoon. She can't say no to this.

• When you put the toilet seat up….put it back down.
• Every time.
I know…I know.. maybe no more techniques...

Sexual Technique to Make Your Wife Wild with Desire!!

2008-10-03T22:42:00.000-07:00

Between being married a long time, and also being a man, I can tell you guys that there are certain things you can do to make your wife swoon. They aren't difficult, anyone can do them and they are some of the sexiest things I can think of…and I have quite the imagination… Here follows one of them:

Wet Hands
Yep, it is the wet hands technique. Certainly one of the most popular among most women polled for this article. So simple. So exciting. You will leave her breathless.
• Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid. Not too many, you don't want it to be harsh. There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you.
• With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.
• Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth across the surface of it..over and over again.
• Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.
.Now you repeat the process until all the dirty dishes are clean, works like a bom....

FEW GOOD JOKES.

2008-10-01T23:45:00.000-07:00

How do you know your country’s currency really sucks??
Prostitutes would prefer going steady….

Doctor after examining Bruce’s wife: Bruce, a really ugly thing we have here!
Bruce: Yes Doctor, I know, but she is really stinking rich!

Why don’t Cuban rowers ever compete in the Olympics ?
Coz those who can row are in America already.

What do you call a woman who 24/7 knows where her husband is??
A widow.

FLYING DUTCHMAN!!

2008-10-01T23:40:00.000-07:00

JUK!! GUESS WHO THE JOKE IS ON....

2008-09-30T04:29:00.000-07:00

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on

a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived

at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near

spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying

to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage

tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying

that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

GOOD ONE!

2008-09-30T00:10:00.000-07:00

Dad: Son what are doing?
Son: Nothing Dad.
Dad: But you did that yesterday too!
Son: Yes Dad, but I never finished.

NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL AN OPEN AND SHUT CASE!!

2008-09-29T03:44:00.000-07:00

Your wife decides to go out with her friends on a girls night out ...

You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night!!!

You hear her stumble into bed around 4am and laugh to yourself, knowing she's going to have a monster hangover....

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night. You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece.

You circle the car looking for dents and find none! Yay!

But then .... wait a minute....

A picture is worth a thousand words....

SCROLL DOWN!!!

:

:

:

Rugby jokes.

2008-09-25T00:27:00.000-07:00

Worst case of child molesting in South Africa: No, nooo, please daddy, please dont make me.....don’t make me wear the SPRINGBOK jersey!!

South African Springbok Rugby:
During yesterdays practice, the scrum machine broke through twice to score a try!!

heee yaaah!!

2008-09-23T08:29:00.000-07:00

One specially for the ladies.

2008-09-23T08:20:00.000-07:00

Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole,

And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right,

He didn't like the stew.

I didn't mend his socks,

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer,

looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and *snotklapped him...

Like his mother used to do.

*snotklapped = smacked him so hard, whatever was in his nose, sat on his cheek.

Nasty one.

2008-09-23T05:37:00.000-07:00

> I went to the mall on Saturday, and I was in there for only
> about 5
> Minutes. When I came out there was a damn Metro cop
> writing a parking
> ticket.
>
> So I went up to him and said, "Come on, sugar..., how
> about giving a
> Girl a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the
> ticket. So I
> Called him a pencil-necked member of the Boerebond. He
> glared at me and
> Started writing another ticket for having worn tyres! So I
> called him a
> Verkrampte piece of horse-sh*t. He finished the second
> ticket and put it
> On the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a
> third
> Ticket, for the cracked windscreen! This went on for about
> 20 minutes.
>
> The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
> "Vetgat" I screamed At
> him. Yet another ticket. "Vetgat with a
> boep-pens!" I shouted again.
> His hand wrote furiously as his neck went a deeper shade of
> purple and
> His blood pressure mounted and his breathing got heavier.
>
> I then walked off as my bus arrived....
>
> I try to have a little fun each day. It's very
> important.
>
>
>
>
>
>

Good ones!

2008-09-22T03:59:00.000-07:00

Feeling useless, offended, depressed or just down, remember that you were once the fastest and most victorious little sperm out of millions!!

In the U S A they invented a new machine to catch criminals: they tested it in New York and in 5 minutes caught 500 criminals. In China in 3 minutes they caught 3500 criminals, in Mozambique in 2 minutes caught 600 criminals. They brought it to South Africa and in ONE minute the machine got stolen!!

Mind the Head!!

2008-09-22T01:31:00.000-07:00

Auch!

Guts or Balls?

2008-09-20T04:16:00.000-07:00

Guts or Balls...

There is a distinction.

We've all heard about people having guts and/or balls,

but do you really know the difference between them ?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being

met by your wife with a broom in her hands, and having the guts

to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere ?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling

of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on

the butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome,

since both ultimately result in death.

That will teach her!!

2008-09-16T22:26:00.000-07:00

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Crocs and dollars!

2008-09-16T02:49:00.000-07:00

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and
Invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Geoffrey, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating
Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has
The balls to jump in.
'The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
Everyone turned around and saw Geoffrey in the pool! Geoffrey was
Fighting the croc and kicking its ass!
Geoffrey was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing
Punches, doing all kinds of shit, like head butts and chokeholds, biting
The croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some
Kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Geoffrey and the
Croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
K-mart goldfish.
Geoffrey then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring
At him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Geoffrey, I reckon I owe you a million
Dollars.'
Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Geoffrey.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.'
'How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Geoffrey.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
Amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
'Again, Geoffrey said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Geoffrey, then what do you want?'
Geoffrey said, 'I want the name of the bustard who pushed me in the
Pool.

Put your foot in it mate!

2008-09-16T02:24:00.000-07:00

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place
where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the
father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that
I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

The new South Africa!!

2008-09-14T09:48:00.000-07:00

Three contractors - one from Soweto, another from Pretoria,
and the third from Benoni - are bidding to fix a broken fence at
the Union Buildings in Pretoria.

They go with a Union Buildings official to examine the fence.

The Pretoria contractor takes out a tape measure, does some
measuring, and then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about R900: R400
for materials, R400 for my crew, and R100 profit for me."

The Benoni contractor also does some measuring and figuring,
then says, "I can do this job for R700: R300 for materials,
R300 for my crew, and R100 profit for me."

The Soweto contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans
over to the Union Buildings brother and whispers, "R2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like
the other guys! How did y! ou come up with such a high figure?"

The Soweto contractor whispers back, "R1000 for me, R1000 for
you, and we hire the guy from Benoni to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, folks, is how it all works in S.A. these days!

Cute.....but not true!

2008-09-14T08:32:00.000-07:00

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart." I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.

Crabby Old Woman.

2008-09-12T04:13:00.000-07:00

Nothing funny about this one, but it is rather touching and I thought it wise to share with you!
If it doesn't bring a lump in your throat, then you cannot be human....

Crabby Old Woman - one to think about!

When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee, Scotland, it was believed that she had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
One nurse took her copy to Ireland. The old lady's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North Ireland Assn. for Mental Health.
A slide presentation has also been made based on her simple, but eloquent poem.
And this little old Scottish lady, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet:

Crabby Old Woman

What do you see, nurses?
What do you see?
What are you thinking,
When you're looking at me?

A crabby old woman,
Not very wise,
Uncertain of habit,
With faraway eyes.

Who dribbles her food,
And makes no reply,
When you say in a loud voice,
'I do wish you'd try!'

Who seems not to notice,
The things that you do,
And forever is losing,
A stocking or shoe

Who, resisting or not
Lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding,
The long day to fill?

Is that what you're thinking?
Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse,
You're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am,
As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding,
As I eat at your will.

I'm a small child of ten,
With a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters,
Who love one another.

A young girl of sixteen,
With wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now,
A lover she'll meet.

A bride soon at twenty,
My heart gives a leap,
As I make the vows
That I promised to keep.

At twenty-five now,
I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide,
And a secure happy home.

A woman of thirty,
My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other,
With ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons,
Have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me,
To see I don't mourn.

At fifty once more,
Babies play round my knee,
Again we know children,
My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me,
My husband is dead,
I look at the future,
I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing
Young of their own,
And I think of the years,
And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old woman,
And nature is cruel,
'Tis jest to make old age,
Look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles,
Grace and vigour depart,
There is now a stone
Where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass,
A young girl still dwells,
And now and again,
My battered heart swells.

I remember the joys,
I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living
Life over again.

I think of the years,
All too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact
That nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people,
Open and see,
Not a crabby old woman;
Look closer - see ME!!
Remember this poem when you next meet an old person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.
We will all, one day, be there, too!

I love to share this poem.
IT'S SOMETHING WE ALL NEED TO READ.
And don't forget the crabby old men either!**********************************************************************
**********************************************************************

Shortes fairy tale in the world!

2008-09-11T05:06:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, a man asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "No". And, the man lived happily ever after.

The End

Hey Peacock!

2008-09-11T04:35:00.000-07:00

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court in Sandton. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

One year guarantee!

2008-09-09T23:15:00.000-07:00

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid

So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year, namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! "Helllooooo!!" (I told him). "It's been a year!"

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung
up...he hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the
guarantee they made me.

Never say never!

2008-09-09T23:05:00.000-07:00

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room,
talking about life... In-between, we talked about the
idea of living or dying.

I said to her:

'Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally
dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle.
If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect
all the contraptions that are keeping me alive,
I'd much rather die'.

Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of
admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect
the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer,
the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went
to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!

....I ALMOST DIED!!!

Magic!

2008-09-09T03:54:00.000-07:00

A Boer seun and his Pa were in a mall. As they were from out of town
they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Pa?' The father (never having seen an elevator/lift) responded,
'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his Pa were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair
moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his Pa watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son.

'Go fetch your mother!”

When the wife doesn't listen!!

2008-09-08T22:06:00.000-07:00

Can you trust your wife??

2008-09-08T00:54:00.000-07:00

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

A few good ones.....

2008-09-06T04:35:00.000-07:00

Man to his wife: From today onwards I am the boss in this house, I demand three course meals, desert with every meal, snacks in between, you will run me a hot bath every morning and see to it that my outfit for the day is neatly laid out on my bed. Oh, and guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?
Wife nonchalantly: More than likely the funeral parlor.

A black Zimbabwe couple are sitting in their house, ready to die. No food, no water, no electricity, inflation 150 000 %. Suddenly the pipes rumble with water, the lights go on and there is a truck in the street handing out food. The husband shouts to his wife, “bring my panga, the whites are back!”

Blond takes car for repairs and asks the mechanic what the problem is.
“Crap in the carburetor.” He replies.
Blond: “Oh, how often should I do that?

USS Hampshire: “Can someone help us! We are sinking, we are sinking!”
German Coast Guard: “Zis iz ze German Coast Guard, What are you sinking about?”

grrrr!!

2008-09-04T23:43:00.000-07:00

You just tell me if someone messes with you!!

Yeah, sure!

2008-09-03T09:18:00.000-07:00

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - Q20 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE Q20. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

8. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

Those blonde jokes.

2008-09-03T00:56:00.000-07:00

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE - my personal favourite!
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So wh at? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

Auch!!

2008-09-02T23:59:00.000-07:00

Careful now!

2008-09-02T23:49:00.000-07:00

Ah haa!

2008-09-02T02:46:00.000-07:00

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived the bitches.'

Don't mess with this chick.

2008-09-01T07:38:00.000-07:00

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long

flight.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely

declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a

question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5 You ask me

one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention, so to keep him quiet, she agrees to

play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to

the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a

five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes

down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the
airphone, he searches the Net and even the library of Congress. He
sends e-mails to
all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of
searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500
and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and
asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.

Hehehehe

2008-09-01T04:10:00.000-07:00

Koos, Mike en Kallie word deur spietkops by 'n groot winkelsentrum in Benoni afgetrek.

Spietkop: OK, guys, het julle 'n idéé hoe vinnig julle gery het?

Hulle: G'n idee nie - maar jy gaan ons sê!

Spietkop: So vinnig dat julle elkeen 'n spoedkaartjie gaan kry! (Hy haal sy boekie uit.) Wat is jou naam?

Koos kyk rond en sien 'n Woolworths-reklamebord daar naby: "My naam is William Woolworth," sê Koos.

Kallie snap dit dadelik, kyk rond en sien Edgars. "My naam is Eddie Edgars!"

Kallie en Koos kyk benoud na Mike en hoop dat hy verstaan wat hulle gedoen het.

"En jy?" vra die spietkop kwaai.

"My naam is Ken!"

"Ja, maar wat is jou volle name?"

Mike sê selfversekerd: "My naam is Ken, en my van is Takkie Fraaid Tjieken!"

With friends like these......

2008-08-29T02:33:00.000-07:00

You can say that again....

2008-08-29T02:25:00.000-07:00

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People--
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress R5000. Tux rental-R100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister,
or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks..
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is R15.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years,
maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes --
one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Shooo!!

2008-08-28T23:30:00.000-07:00

Shame!!

2008-08-28T23:24:00.000-07:00

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

Economic Models explained with Cows

2008-08-28T23:06:00.000-07:00

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows

You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows

The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM

You have 2 cows

The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM

You have 2 cows

The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows

Business seems pretty good

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows

The one on the left looks very attractive

A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows

One is a black cow and one is a white cow. The white cow produces more milk but the black cow is previously disadvantaged so you obtain a contract to supply milk to the state at inflated prices. The black cow joins a Cosatu strike against high food prices while the white cow continues to produce milk. The state discovers that you are selling only milk from the white cow, accuses you of fronting, revokes your BEE status and re-possesses both cows.
Both cows are slaughtered to celebrate Zuma's inauguration. Cosatu commence on a second strike because now there is no milk.

Aaauch!

2008-08-25T07:36:00.000-07:00

A South African Boertjie is drinking in a London bar when his
cellphone rings.
He hangs up grinning from ear to ear and orders a round for the whole
bar announcing that his wife just gave birth to a 12kg baby boy.

Nobody can believe the weight but the South African just shrugs and
says, "We make 'em big back home folks. My boy's typically South African".

Congrats are showered on him and many exclamations of "WOW" are heard.
One woman even faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the South African Boertjie returns to the same bar.
Barman says "We were going to call you, everyone's been making bets as
to how much your 12kg son weighs now, so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers that he now weighs 9kg's. The barman is puzzled
and concerned and asks "What happened, he already weighed 12kg on the day he was born".

The South African father takes a slow swig from his long neck Castle
beer, wipes his lips on his khaki shirt, leans proudly over to the bartender and says: "Had him
circumcised boet"

Double ooooops!

2008-08-25T03:19:00.000-07:00

To me flying is a nerve wrecking experience, if I had to witness this before flying somewhere, I would have been off my rocker for sure. Damn, I hate flying!!

Oooops!

2008-08-25T02:54:00.000-07:00

Never trust your wife to take an important picture.....!!

Hey! Me first!!

2008-08-24T05:41:00.000-07:00

Hey all you greedy folks, let this be a lesson to all of you!

How much do you drink??

2008-08-22T02:56:00.001-07:00

The Average South African

A recent study conducted by Wits University found that the average South African walks about 1200 kms a year. Another study by the South African Medical Association found that South Africans drink, on average, 100 litres of alcohol a year. This means, on average, South Africans get about 12 kms to the litre.

Kind of makes you proud to be South African.

Women are evil by nature

2008-08-21T23:50:00.000-07:00

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured
alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer,
"Are you the manager?"

She asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied"

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,
" running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't", breathed the bartender...
Is there anything I can do?

"Yes, I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefingers across the bartenders lips and slyly popping a couple of
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What
Should I tell him" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him" she whispered "There is no toilet paper, hand soap, or
paper towels in the ladies room".